Linda Johnson (Master Conflict Styles)
Executive coach Linda unpacks how nurture, culture, and environment shape our default conflict styles—and why they often fail us. She explores approaches from avoidance and passive...
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How can collaboration empower conflict resolutions?
Whatever your style is. Think about the fact that we can get so much done if we collaborate, if we find out what the other person wants, if we go beyond what is our default and the idea that I always have to win or I always have to lose, I always have to give in. I always have to accommodate. I always have to compromise and realise that we can come together on an equal footing and collaborate.
How can we become more self-aware in conflict?
I'm proposing that we become more sensitive and more self-aware about our default conflict style. Taking into account all of the feedback that we get. Oh, you're so sarcastic, you're so nice. You never argue. Take all of that into account. Challenge yourself. Come out a different way. See what happens. Make sure you're doing it in the context of safety in a relationship where there's already trust. And also make allowance for the other person to be who they need to be. If we can speak a language the other understands, there's a greater chance we will all get our needs met.
How to adapt your conflict approach?
If you like to call a spade a spade, come right out with it and say, this is the topic. This is what I want, and this is how I want to deal with it, and tend to be very abrupt. Pull back. When you're dealing with that person who tends to avoid, they may be intimidated by that approach. It might be so uncomfortable for them to go there that they would just as soon let you have it, but don't think that you've won. You haven't won. The person has probably emotionally disengaged. Ask more questions. If you're dealing with the person who tends to not be Confrontative, the person who tends to deflect and avoid, ask more questions and be quiet and listen for the answer. Why do you feel this way? Why have you taken this position? Tell me more. I want to know. I want to understand. Then zip it. Let them tell you. Pull back on the desire. If you are the competitive type, pull back on the desire to win. What you want to win is trust. If you were the type to avoid, pull yourself up and say, I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it. The words are going to come out. Don't worry about coming out as aggressive and unfriendly. You couldn't. It's not in you to do that, but it's really important to make what is going on inside known. That way your needs can be met as well as the needs of the other person.